#Hog4Ham: Founding Fathers Sorted Into Hogwarts Houses

It’s time to unriddle one of the most pressing conundrums of our generation, the melding of arguably the two most important texts to come out of this still young century: the Hogwarts sorting of the Founding Fathers and Friends as they appear in Hamilton. (Warning: Spoilers ahead, but very few that can’t be found in your local high school AP US History class.)

Even the immaculate Lin-Manuel Miranda himself has contributed to this important and pressing discussion.

Including some controversial revelations…

To be fair, Lin, you’re an absolute Slytherpuff. Also a Ravenclaw… Gryffindor?

But no one can resist the call of the hat!

¡No pare, Lin, sigue sigue!

And while several lists and arguments already exist, I can never be satisfied. As a veteran sorter voted “Most Hat” in a group text one time, I’ve nominated myself to do the job, and only Rowling and Miranda themselves can shake my resolve. So, it’s time to answer the ever important question: WWTSHD?? (What would the Sorting Hat do?)

Alexander Hamilton: GRYFFINDOR

In anticipation of the Slytherin and Ravenclaw backlash I’m about to get: 1. A.Ham is not at all a Ravenclaw. Yeah he writes a lot (a lot a lot) but he’s not one to learn for learning’s sake; it’s a means to an end for him. 2. A strong case can be made for Slytherin. He’s desperate to rise above his station, and that whole Reynolds episode was pretty cunning, but in the end Alex’s outlandish temper, idolization of martyrdom and valor, and unyielding sense of honor (total duel addict) give a very Potter sorting.

Aaron Burr: SLYTHERIN

Burr is the most Slytherin Slytherin to ever Slyther. There aren’t even any Harry Potter characters who are more textbook Slytherin than Aaron Burr, sir. Wickedly sharp, ambitious, sly, reticent, calculating, opportunistic. I could go on.

George Washington: GRYFFINDOR

Washington is probably the biggest hat-stall. He’s someone that every house secretly hopes to claim. He boasts most of the admirable qualities of each house–he’s wise, unfailingly fair, steadfast, resourceful–but only a stupidly courageous Gryffindor leads a rag tag volunteer army against a global super power and wins. He’s the Dumbledore of this chickenshit operation.

John Laurens: GRYFFINDOR

Laurens is the Ron to Hamilton’s Harry, and, like Ron, he’s got a Hufflepuffy streak (loyal friend and unyieldingly dedicated to fairness in the form of abolitionism), but his redefining bravery means Gryffindor wins out.

Marquis de Lafayette: GRYFFINDOR

I get it–the French give off strong Ravenclaw vibes. But hear me out; that would be enough. Homeboy leaves his home country to fight against tyranny just for the fun of it, then turns around and leads the charge back at home. He’s chivalrous as all hell. He’s taking this horse by the reigns. He’s making red coats redder with blood stains. He’s never gonna stop until he makes ‘em drop and burns ‘em up and scatters their remains. Lafayette is most Gryffindor.

Hercules Mulligan: HUFFLEPUFF

Okay calm yourselves. I hear your outraged calls for Gryffindor. But think about it. Hercules Mulligan is a tailor whose catchphrase is basically “I want to play! I want play!” He’s the flower girl at Alexander and Eliza’s wedding. He is a cuddly, terrifying killer of a badger and he’s bringing glory to Hufflepuffs everywhere.

Angelica Schuyler: RAVENCLAW

Angelica is another hat-stall for sure. She’s confident and bold, she’s dazzlingly witty, and she seeks the company of the affluent and the important. There are compelling cases to be made for Slytherin & Gryffindor if it wasn’t for three fundamental truths.* NUMBER ONE, she’s looking for a mind at work. Angelica values wit and learning above all like any good Ravenclaw. NUMBER TWO, as self-described wittiest sister, wit is ultimately her defining character trait. NUMBER THREE, instead of pursuing her own self-interest and claiming Alexander for herself, she assesses the situation and determines what she believes to be the most logical course of action, sacrificing her own happiness for the sake of her sister.**

*Ok four. She close reads Alexander’s punctuation. C’mon. **Willing to entertain arguments addressing similarities to Narcissa Malfoy’s behavior, but probably will not yield.

Eliza Schuyler: HUFFLEPUFF

You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind, not to mention loyal. She dedicates herself to the legacy and memory of her philandering husband for fifty years, and her greatest accomplishment is raising hundreds of orphans. End of discussion.

Peggy Schuyler: HUFFLEPUFF

Good Hufflepuff, she took the rest.*

*(IRL though, Peggy was a Gryffindor. Look it up.)

Thomas Jefferson: RAVENCLAW

*Hello Slytherin dissenters.* TJ is another difficult one to place. He’s crafty if the situation calls for it and willing to go to great lengths to achieve his aims. He’s also tooth-and-nail fighter with a penchant for the spotlight and international renown. But ultimately a cerebral man of high ideals, he values his esteem as the wisest of his peers and aspires to be the equal of his French philosopher homies. Mr. Age of Enlightenment can’t be anything but Ravenclaw.

James Madison: RAVENCLAW

James Madison is one of those background Ravenclaws (looking at you, Michael Corner). He’s riding TJ’s coattails, making a name for himself as a scholar and an enlightened thinker. He’s totally one of those Ravenclaws that gets pissed because Hamilton (who’s a Gryffindor) pulls a Hermione and outdoes him with the Federalist Papers.

The Reynolds (Reynoldses?): SLYTHERIN

Okay, Slytherin enthusiasts, we know, we know–not all Slytherins are bad. But a lot of bad guys are Slytherins. Those cunning folk use any means to achieve their ends, like seducing and extorting the Secretary of Treasury.

King George III: SLYTHERIN

Power-worshiping egomaniac, tyrannical ruler, and suspected Death Eater will kill your friends and family to remind you of his love. He’s not all that cunning, but hey, this is the house of Crabbe and Goyle after all.

Philip Hamilton: GRYFFINDOR

Philip would probably have asked to be in Gryffindor just to make his father proud. He’s gotta be his own man, like his father but bolder. His defining moment is facing death in defense of his father’s honor. Most Gryffindor. You know, except Lafayette.

George Eaker: SLYTHERIN

Here’s the part of the list where we start scraping the bottom of the barrel. The duel will commence after we count to ten. K.

Samuel Seabury: RAVENCLAW

An absolute dud Ravenclaw of the Gilderoy Lockhart variety. Pontificating all over the place and makin a mess.

Charles Lee: GRYFFINDOR

Charles Lee is the worst and also a Gryffindor, a man of bravado not of bravery. There are duds in every house, and Gryffindor’s got some real winners (@Peter Pettigrew @Cormac McClaggen). You know he showed up as a first year and was all “I’m a Gryffindor WHEEEEE!”

And just for good measure, Ron Chernow: RAVENCLAW

Can’t forget Uncle Ron.

In the end though, this is all in good fun because none of it is real. As we all know, the Founding Fathers attended Colonial Wizarding School where Lafayette was a transfer from Beauxbatons, and King George was an absolute muggle.

**BREAKING**

#Hamilton #HarryPotter